World Suicide Prevention Day

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Today the 10th September marks World Suicide Prevention Day. I have known about this day for a while now and was reminded this morning by the outpouring of social media support and heartfelt words to those who may be suffering from suicidal feelings. I wanted to commemorate the day by writing a blog post, but I don’t know what I want to write. If you have read any of my previous posts or have the luck of knowing me (honestly I am not that egotistical) you will know that I have been personally affected by suicide and that I have also suffered from Depression and Anxiety previously.  So here we are sat in my soft office (aka my bed), with my pjs on and candles lit (you know relaxing) with Mamma Mia soundtrack on (who doesn’t love the uplifting songs of Abba) and I have taken to my laptop!

Alas, here we go…are you ready? This is going to be honest so prepare yourselves, you may have to even put your wellies on because things are most definitley going to get deep!

So lets go to way back when, when I was speaking to medical professionals about how I was feeling, later dubbed ‘Acute Depression’ and Anxiety. If sadly you know, or you don’t know when your being assessed; when the doctor basically deems whether you are suffering from Depression and what ‘grade’. You are asked multiple questions based on your mood, habits/change of them, your emotions, stresses and eventually ‘Do you have thoughts to harm yourself or others?’ A much more polite way of asking do you have thoughts to kill yourself or attempt suicide. When asked at the time I fervently denied any thoughts. The next glorious question you may be asked is, ‘do you have any plans to harm yourself?’ Again, I denied having any intention to harm myself. However, with the magic notion of hindsight and probably knowing at the time but not wanting to admit it, I probably was suicidal. I thought of death and how life would look like without me in it. Some of the darkest moments of my existence. Lets just pause for a quick second and reiterate those thoughts were from a very long time ago now, and thankfully I am well. So family and friends please don’t worry about me, I am all good.

At the peak of my Depression some of you may know that I was living away from home and at university. My halls of residence was across quite a busy road to the university campus. When I was truly suffering and the total devastation that Depression and Anxiety was causing me internally, my at the time, backwards brain would encourage me to consider how much easier it would be if I wasn’t around anymore. As I stood waiting to cross the road and the little green man to flash up, a arctic lorry would pass and…silence. I would feel and hear the gush of wind the lorry would cause and in that split second I thought about stepping out. In that moment it made perfect sense, to end all the suffering that I was having to endure.

But, and there is a big but (no pun intended), thank my lucky stars (or whoever you put your faith in)…I never did take that step. My mind or my brain would always immediatley counteract that thought. My brain would make me think of good memories, the beauty that exists in the world, my potential future. But, the strongest ‘vision’ (I don’t really know what else to call them) were images of my loved ones and the potential suffering that my death would cause (again not being egotistical); guilt, anger, upset, distress, grief and loss. Despite the constant depression and devastation that was experiencing, how could I cause that much devastation and destruction in my loved ones lives? Quite simply…I couldn’t. I could never cause that much pain in someone else despite the peace that it might bring me. No matter the lowest lows that I felt…I would never, ever want anyone to experience that because I had taken my own life. In that moment my loved ones protected and supported me without ever knowing. Let me just also say this all happened so quickly, within seconds I wasn’t stood there for ten minutes, as quickly as the thought to step into the road had come, my mind was already focusing on the positive in my life even if I couldn’t see it all the time. If you know where I lived you can imagine how often that I had to face these thoughts, every time I went to cross the road especially when I was alone I would think about taking my own life, but I never did. I could never leave my loved ones, despite how empty I felt. My loved ones that…loved me when I wasn’t very lovable, when I had forgotten how to love myself; at my most bleakest of moments they were there (well in my head) protecting and supporting me.

Wow, Annabelle crying at a laptop. Don’t worry I’m fine. It’s just such a personal experience that I never thought I’d put into words. I didn’t at the time or afterwards share these thoughts with anyone. I was so scared to tell my doctor, counsellor therapist. I think I may have jokingly mentioned it to Amy when we were physically stood there something along the lines of ‘have you ever had a thought to step out?’ But I had never talked to anyone properly about these thoughts. My point in telling you is that without those positive thoughts my (brains own coping mechanism), I probably wouldn’t be here today. In the words of my Gran, I have put my fourth penneth in, in the hopes of helping someone anyone suffering or supporting someone who is suffering with suicidal thoughts. Depression (in my experience) is one of the loneliest things to be suffering from and Anxiety (well that makes you feel alone in a room full of people) words and actions speak so much louder than an awkward silence.

So if you take away anything from this please take two minutes out of your day and text or call someone who you know or think is suffering…remind them that they are not facing this awful chapter in their life alone. A cup of tea, a hug, offer to go out, just having someone listening or caring for you can mean so much. And if you are struggling please contact someone, anyone and tell them, a problem shared is a problem halved. As I said at the peak of my Depression I was at university and I didn’t want to call my family or friends from home (not that they didn’t want me to call, I didn’t want to worry them or get them to get in their car to drive to Crewe for something that would pass in twenty minutes or so- especially panic attacks) so I would go and find my flatmate (Scouse bae) Amy, and tell her I was feeling ‘needy’ and she would give me a hug…something so simple but at the time meant so much more then she probably thought. ‘Needy’ became a phrase that I used when I was feeling low and needing a bit more support; we hadn’t discussed it, it wasn’t code I just adopted it. We would then go on about our day of lectures or finding the cheapest shop for bulk buying Lucozade!

My point is you do not have to do anything extravagant you just need to make sure they know you are there (even if they don’t want to talk) or listen (if they do).. I’m not saying I have all the answers because if I did I would be very intelligent and well lets face it rich. But, open communication and actions speak so much louder than silence especially when facing something as scary, lonely and distressing as thoughts to end your own life. Now I know I am definitely not the perfect ‘ex-depressed person’ because I am not, let’s face it if I was perfect I probably wouldn’t have been depressed- I did have unhealthy coping mechanisms during my struggles with depression but I am here today because I managed to cope, somehow. I am able to voice my experiences, I am well (aside for my back and tremor) and that quite frankly is because of my loved ones or the way my mind reminded me of them at such a poignant time.

Mental health problems, general stress, life difficulties and suicidal thoughts can affect so many people in any walk of life. It can be lurking behind a person who you think has all their (for what of a better phrase) shit together. Listening, kindness, empathy and honesty can go such  long way in preventing anyone from feeling so low to contemplate taking their own life. This is my story, thankfully one that I have been able to share- one that years ago I would probably laugh thinking I would tell anyone let alone the internet. Life is difficult but with those difficulties build strength, just keep going and eventually you will climb out of the dark hole; somehow and in someway. Believe me, I have.

So, if you have got this far…thank you for taking the time to read my very personal, honest account. I hope it has helped you understand or change your mind about people who are suffering from these thoughts. Thank you to my Scouse bae for looking after me when I was being ‘needy’. And, above all thank you to all my loved ones, you protected and supported me at a time when I truly needed it, without knowing until now (-sorry again).

I am still here because of you and I will be eternally grateful.

 

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Semi-colon- where the author could have ended the sentence but decided to keep going. Keep Going!

World Suicide Prevention Day

Fragility of Life

In a second our lives can change for the better or sadly the worse. Life in essence is one of the most frail things, yet life itself can be seemingly the most stressful thing at times.

Recently, I witnessed a car accident on my way to go and do some frivolous shopping at the Trafford Centre with the premise of walking because you know my back. In seconds two cars had collided (one for the record going far too fast coming across the East Lancs) and in that moment the two drivers in their cars their lives changed. As I sat parallel stopped at the lights to the lady who had been hit I could see her panicking and clutching her chest. In that moment instinct kicked in; the car infront of me and I ran over to her car. She had no obvious injuries and despite the damage to her car looked relatively ok- but in that moment she wasn’t ok. She was very distressed understandably she was struggling to breathe and had told us she was having pain in her chest and down her arms. At this point the lorry driver behind my car had come over, the three of us managed to get her out of her car and sat on the pavement at the side of the east lancs. Whilst this was all going on the other driver involved in the collision was stood in the middle of the junction on the phone to the police presumably, his priorities were not to get himself to safety because you never know what could happen in the middle of a major junction but to report the incident. Whilst speaking to the lady we tried to calm her down and take some deep breaths but quickly she had become unresponsive and unconscious. Luckily someone was on the phone to the ambulance service, at that moment gut instinct kicked in, and I suppose all previous training. I checked her vitals, breathing, pulse, GCS, tried a sternum rub to get her to respond but nothing. Funnily enough the pain in my back wasn’t my first thought, she was having some form of cardiac arrest. So I started chest compressions which the ambulance service was talking through the lady on the phone. I shouted the guy from the lorry to get my handbag from my car. Luckily in my purse I carry a facial guard- I was given it years ago at a training, hoping to never use it or even move it from my purse. It’s a paper like face mask that you put over someones face to be able to do the breaths in CPR, its to try and reduce the spread of germs but I think training now is to just do compressions if nothing else. Out of coincidence an ambulance arrived quickly they were on the way to another call and came across the accident, now this all seems like it had taken a awhile in all honesty it was 10 minutes or so from the actual accident, the paramedics took over and luckily managed to stabilise her and she was showing good vital signs. By this point the police had arrived and was asking what had happened as I wasn’t at the front of the line in traffic and behind a SUV type vehicle I didn’t get a clear view of the actual accident so didn’t have to give a statement. I was free to go.

What’s the point of telling you this? Well in those 10-20 minutes that ladies life had drastically changed. She had had a traffic accident which I assume brought on some difficulties with her heart etc. I’m not a doctor so don’t really know but I know doing CPR at the side of a road being the only person who knew how to do it was stressful. Thankfully, as I was leaving she was in the right hands with the paramedics and although obviously poorly seemed ok. So, what does one do after that? Drove away parked down some side street and rang my Mum. I don’t think I made much sense…it had all happened so quickly, so think I was still processing it all on that call.

Our lives begin miraculously and can change in an instant. One minute I’m sat at a red light listening to Abba singing along thinking about where to park that’s closest to the shops I want and then I hear a smash and a car spin the opposite way it was going. The next minute I’m sat with a lady, a stranger trying to calm her down and then doing chest compressions on a path. Life is fragile, we never honestly know what is going to happen. The best thought out plans may never come and everything can change so quickly. So, don’t waste your time…tell people what they mean to you, pay attention, appreciate the little things in life but, make sure you concentrate when your driving. In the most cliche way, live your life like you never know when it’ll end.