Quite a few people have struggled to get their head around me suffering and experiencing Depression. Some have downright refused to acknowledge it and said that the doctor must be wrong. These are challenges that people may face when outwardly they appear to be ‘normal’ yet they are suffering greatly behind hidden doors. It is often the eyes that can give away a thousand words without saying a thing. A true smile, you smile from the eyes also a false smile from a person suffering greatly from Depression their eyes may look drawn and lifeless (it’s hard to describe but i know what I mean).
Throughout my ‘down’ times I have often used was an ‘eccedentesiast’. Which basically means people whom hide their pain with a smile. Apart from my very close family, friends and those whom I felt comfortable enough to tell not many people knew. I would say that even on the odd day where my Depression seemed to be more visible very few people would suggest that it was anything other than normal changes in my mood. Using this as a ‘technique’ made my diagnosis and sometimes the understanding from others challenging. Outwardly, I would appear my ‘normal’ funny self when inside I felt overwhelmed with anxiety, felt extremely guilty and even loathed what was happening too me (in terms of my own ‘demons’). The common misconception that people with Depression can’t laugh or smile is just that, a very inaccurate misconception. When I was with people I put aside my own struggles and focussed on what was happening I was quite literally living in the present. Yet when I was alone or had time to ruminate over my thoughts I was extremely low and I mean rock bottom low. In hindsight it’s odd to look back at how I coped but I knew I had the people I’d entrusted with my illness to fall back on.
I think this is why I am so good at looking at different perspectives
and not just taking the face value of situations. When people look at others and are envious of their looks and openly verbalise this I always think we’ll there will probably be at least one thing that, that person is not happy about despite their obvious confidence.
We all fight battles that often very few know about; the best time of a person’s life being at university was also one of my worst. I was battling demons that very few knew about and Depression did take a hold on me but at the same time I took every opportunity I could and I tried to not let it take a grip of my life. I enjoyed many, many a night out and nights in whilst being at uni. I messed about with my flatmates pranking, having water fights in halls of residence (it sounds worse than it was) and playing ninja’s. I focused on my future and found the career which I’m really passionate about. I volunteered with various agencies and found some inspirational people in the process. I even managed to be a student representative and work alongside my studies. With all the hardship I faced with my own demons I will never let me look negatively on one of my best experience, university. Although it was shit at times it wasn’t all the time and from the times of enjoyment I took strength. I may have battled with my Depression at some points alone yet I was and still am the first person to help another person out! Helping others again helps to put your own situation in perspective. Seeing things that other people are going through truly made me question my beliefs and those people truly inspired me in one way or another.
Now my outgoing personality may have been challenging when getting people to understand what was wrong with me but it also made me resilient, I was able to keep going with so many different things; volunteering, working, studies and let’s say extra-curricular activities. I didn’t push my close friends away I kept them close and they truly knew what was going on and when I need a little cuddle, text to cheer me up- thank you!
So all in all my outgoing personality and challenging mind may seem on the face of it extremely fraught with problems yet, it was one of the things which managed to keep me going and keep me fighting from whatever life through at me!
The 'Grey' Area 
Wow, I can relate to this so much. I’ve always been described as happy, bubbly and smiley. Which I always found odd because on the inside I felt neither happy nor unhappy and most of the time I was stressed and anxious. But I always hid behind a smile and said I was fine when I wasn’t. And I’ve always had depressive funks my whole life, I think. Times where I’d cry in bed and my mind could only see how everything was bad in my life. But then I’d snap out of it and be fine again. It’s interesting. And I guess that’s why I always give people the benefit of the doubt and try to always be kind, because we don’t see what’s going on underneath. Thanks so much for sharing.
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